


Heal

by mygodhatesme



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: 1990s, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Universe, Canonical Character Death, Five Stages of Grief, Food Poisoning, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, M/M, Recovery, Survivor Guilt, Trauma, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27369586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mygodhatesme/pseuds/mygodhatesme
Summary: In 1995, three members of the band Sunset Curve eat a hotdog before the biggest show of their lives and get poisoned. Only one of them survives.
Relationships: Luke Patterson/Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 86





	Heal

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I wrote two social media aus on twitter before (@skamseliott) but this is my first ever fic written for this fandom. As you probably know, I can only write angst so expect this to be pretty angsty. I hope you enjoy it <3

Luke was feeling cold, freezing even, he was shaking and all of his attention was on how cold he was. He was dizzy and nauseous, he felt like he was going to throw up but it was obvious from the taste in his mouth that he already did. 

His mind couldn’t get anything in place, he thought he was dreaming at first because his mind was so foggy. Not being able to open his eyes even though he was forcing himself to didn’t help either. His whole body ached, there was a stabbing like pain in his stomach or at least it was how he thought being stabbed would feel like. 

When he could finally open his eyes, all he saw was the ceiling of a dark room. He tilted his head to the side, saw a faint light coming from a big lamp and his mother sleeping on the armchair next to it. 

“Mum?” Luke tried to say but it didn’t come out as loud as he wanted since his throat hurt. He still couldn’t understand where he was. 

His vision moved back to the ceiling but then he decided to try to sit up, ignoring the extreme pain he’s in. The moment his head was no longer on the pillow and he could see every part of the room clearly, he gasped.

“Mum!” he shouted as loud as he could, ending up in tears. Emily jumped up from the armchair, waking up to her son calling her name. 

Luke’s eyes shifted to his hands. His right hand had an IV tube, panic was capturing his body. He could now hear his heartbeat echoing from the machine. He looked at his body once again, more carefully this time. He was in a hospital gown, some kind of cables were attached to stickers all over his chest and neck.

Luke finally drifted his eyes from his own body to his mother’s. She was looking at him with tired and worried eyes. Emily was crying, glad to see her son awake but really sad to see the panic in his eyes. 

“Mum.” Luke said softly, Emily held one of his hands. “You should lay down again.” the boy listened to his mother and let his head land on the uncomfortable pillow. Everything was much more clear now, the fog in his mind lifted and there were the questions hiding behind. 

His eyes examined the room for a bit while he expected Emily to speak before him. It was a private hospital room, it was dark, there wasn't anyone besides his mum.

“Mum.” Luke called again, he felt like a baby. It was like he was a small child and the only word he knew was ‘mum’, he kept repeating it over and over again. 

“Oh my baby.” she wiped her tears with one hand. “I love you so much.” Emily kissed her son’s hand. “I love you too mum.” Luke softly responded. 

His memory updated itself at that moment. He remembered being at the Orpheum, Bobby flirting with that girl, going out to get hotdogs with Alex and Reggie. Hotdogs. He remembered the first symptom he had, they were walking back to the venue and Luke started sweating like crazy. The symptoms didn’t appear immediately, they surfaced about an hour later, exactly at the time of their biggest gig. Luke still had questions though. 

“What happened?” he asked, just to make sure his mind wasn’t playing games with him. “Just got a little sick from a bad hotdog, that’s all.” Luke nodded, “How long has it been since?” he desperately needed to fill the gaps in his mind. 

“Almost 4 days Darling.” Emily went back to the armchair. “Where’s dad?” his questions had no end, “He needed some rest, this armchair isn’t that comfortable.” Emily faintly smiled.

“I missed you.” Luke confessed, the night he ran away flashing before his eyes. “I never wanted to upset you.” Luke confessed again, pouring his heart out. “I know my boy, now go back to sleep.” she smiled big, the smile Luke always found comfort in once again did its magic.

He closed his eyes, head still filled with questions, desperately needing answers for all. He also felt at ease, seeing his mother again, talking instead of fighting after all that time. He thought about how worried they probably were when they got the news that he was sick. That thought drifted away from his mind quickly, knowing he was all okay now. 

The one last thought he had before he fell deep into his sleep was his bandmates, best friends, Alex and Reggie, also Bobby. He remembered Bobby not going out with them for hotdogs so his mind was captured by the desire to know whether Alex and Reggie were fine. 

————————

Luke woke up with the sunrise, it was early in the morning. His mother was already awake with a tray on her lap. 

“Good morning.” Luke said, “Good morning.” she replied. He sat up again, more comfortably this time. He still had pain but the absence of panic helped him.

“They bring breakfast really early here.” Emily smiled. Luke nodded slowly, “I don’t feel like eating.” Emily’s smile didn’t leave her face. She understood why he didn’t want to eat.

“There’s a tray for you too if you’d like.” his mother softly said. She put the tray on her lap on the nightstand. 

“No, I’m good.” he said, “I’d like some water though.” he was thirsty and the taste in his mouth disgusted him. Emily stood up and poured him a glass of water. 

She was acting tough and Luke noticed it. Somehow he knew not everything was right. He was hesitant to ask though, he didn’t want to upset her more than she already was. He held the glass with his both hands and chugged it. Emily smiled.

“Your dad will be here soon, he wants to see you before he goes to work.” Emily’s voice was really soft. The same voice she used to sing lullabies to Luke with. It was comforting but also made Luke feel like a baby, a vulnerable baby. 

“Mum, I’m sorry I left.” Luke couldn’t hold himself back, he needed to get that out of his chest. “It’s okay baby, don’t worry about it.” Emily smiled in pain. As much as she loved to hear that, it made her feel guilty. In her mind, the reason Luke ate from those sketchy places was that he couldn’t get proper food like the ones she made at home. 

The room was in silence again. Emily had gone back to eating and Luke was staring at the wall. He hated that wallpaper, it was a fucking hospital, why did they even use wallpapers. The shapes on it were distracting. Beige rectangles, dark blue circles. If he didn’t see every part of the room, he would think it was a hotel room. His mind went blank again, he just stared at the wall without any thoughts. The melody of a song he wrote started filling all the blank spaces. He started humming it quietly. 

Mitch, Luke’s father entered the room just when the room was completely filled with sunlight. “Luke” he said the moment he saw his son awake. Luke turned to him.

“Hi dad.” he said trying to smile, “Thank God you’re okay.” Mitch walked to him to hug. Emily was smiling, she stood up to join the hug. 

Emily made her way back to the armchair and Mitch sat on the edge of the hospital bed. Luke had one last thing to clear up in his mind. It was obvious they didn’t get to play the Orpheum but where was Alex and Reggie?

“Where’s Alex and Reggie?” Luke asked, Emily’s eyes filled with terror and Mitch couldn’t even look at his son. “Are they okay?” he asked, “They ate with me.” Mitch took a deep breath. 

Luke didn’t know what they were going to say, he was pretty sure they would be okay since he was too. He didn’t understand the silence in the room after the intimate moment he just had with his parents.

“Where are they?” Luke asked, slowly shifting back into the panic state. “Luke.” Mitch said, he couldn’t say it. He looked at his wife, asking for help. 

“Just tell me where?” Luke was getting impatient. “I’m sorry.” Mitch could only say. Emily switched looks with both of them. “What?” Luke asked, raising his voice. 

Emily took a deep breath. “They didn’t make it.” she said, Luke’s face formed into a look of confusion. “What does that mean?” he asked, talking loud again. Emily got up, stood next to Luke and reached for her son’s hand.

“You were the first one to get treated, it was too late for them when the ambulance came.” Emily said, slowly. Luke felt like it was a joke, it must’ve been a joke.

“That’s not funny.” Luke awkwardly chuckled. “Luke.” his father called his name, it hurt him too. “They’re gone.” Mitch said, his heart aching.

Emily’s eyes teared up. Luke was looking at them with empty eyes. “That’s not possible.” Luke said, “So they’re dead?” he asked. His voice had gone softer.

Emily squeezed her son’s hand, showing him support. Both Mitch and Emily nodded, not having any more words to say. Luke’s mind went blank again. There were no thoughts, no questions, not even any song stuck in his head. 

“They can’t be.” Luke said quietly, his surroundings disappeared for that moment. He felt like he was all alone in that room. “No.” he said, both of his parents called his name. 

They could see him drifting away from reality. His eyes were looking emptily, they were teared up, he was holding his breath, his jaw was clenched. He didn’t feel anything, not even his body aching. All of his sensations were blocked. He couldn’t hear, he couldn’t see. He took a deep breath after holding his breath unintentionally for too long. He felt like he was suffocating. He heard his name being called over and over and over again.

“I wanna go home.” he shouted, his voice cracked. “I wanna go home.” he repeated, his now softer voice blended into his loud sobs.

Tears were running down his face uncontrollably. He couldn’t breathe. His sobs were loud. His tears were pouring. His heart was beating too fast, he could feel it and hear it. So did his parents, the sound of his heartbeat echoing from the machine alarmed them. His parents didn’t understand what was happening, they were worried. They called the doctor. Luke was already far from understanding his surroundings, he didn’t even notice the doctor rushing in or his mother crying with him.

————————

Luke was laying on his bed. His bed was made, his mother always tidied it the moment he got up. His knees were close to his chest and he had his notebook placed on them. He had a red pen in between his fingers. It was a new notebook, all empty, new. The pages were all straight, they weren’t wrinkled. None of the pages had bleeded ink on. The first page was open and there was only one word written. Luke was trying to write a song. “They” he read the only word on the page.

He had no inspiration, his mind had been empty since he got home from the hospital about a week ago. He chewed the back of his pen. He couldn’t write. He hated it, he hated not being able to write. He was motivated to scribble some lyrics then getting his guitar.

Reggie always helped him with lyrics, Alex helped too but he trusted Reggie’s vision on lyrics more. His attempt on making country-like songs annoyed him sometimes but he also wrote great stuff that could be played in any style. He stopped chewing on his pen and reached for the phone on his bedside table. “It’s midday, he’s probably home.” he said to himself. Of course he knew Reggie was dead, it was just that his mind couldn’t accept it. 

He dialed the number he already had memorized and had dialed at least a thousand times. He lied on his side with a phone ringing beside his ear. It rang for a long time, longer than it ever took Reggie to answer. That number reached the one in Reggie’s room but it was also connected to the one in the kitchen. When he called, both of them rang and it never took Reggie long because he would already be in his room. 

The call was finally answered, Luke heard a woman’s voice say “Hello?” he immediately knew it was Reggie’s mum. “Hi Mrs. Peters.” he said enthusiastically, ready to ask for Reggie.

“Hello Luke.” the woman answered. Luke didn’t wait, “Can you get Reggie on the phone?” he asked. There was a long silence on the other end. A long, disappointing silence. He heard the woman gasped.

“Mrs. Peters?” Luke called out. That was when he remembered, Reggie wasn’t home. Reggie would never be home. Reggie was gone.

“I’m sorry Luke.” he heard her say in pain. “Sorry to bother you.” Luke said and hanged up. He closed his eyes, regretting the call. 

Luke’s eyes teared up but the tears weren’t falling of. They just stood in the corner of his eyes, blurred his vision. He took a deep breath. Even though he knew the truth, he kept telling himself he could call later.

He grabbed his pen and notebook again. He crossed the one word on his notebook over and wrote “He” next to the scribbled word. He stared at the notebook, putting the pen back in his mouth. “He is dead.” he said quietly to himself and wrote it on his notebook. The tears finally started falling down, wetting his cheeks and running down to his neck. 

————————

It was another evening in the Patterson household. Mitch had just come back home from work, Emily was in the kitchen getting dinner ready. She was making Luke his favourite food, lasagna and an apple pie for dessert. 

Luke entered the kitchen, sat on the counter. “What’s for dinner?” he asked, he was so hungry. He couldn’t really eat in the past few weeks, he still got a little nauseous. He was happy to finally be able to eat without feeling like throwing out. He knew for sure he wouldn’t throw up a good lasagna and a steaming apple pie with ice cream on. 

“Your favourites.” Emily said smiling. She was happy to see Luke enthusiastic about food. Luke loved anything she made, she was a really good cook. 

“Can you make a salad too?” Luke asked, smiling softly, Emily nodded. “What if you do it, you slice them better than I do.” Emily looked at her son with bright eyes. “Promise you’ll be careful with the knife” Luke nodded in agreement. 

Luke got down from the top of the counter. He took the vegetables from the fridge, the cutting board and a bowl from the cupboard. He washed what he took out of the fridge first and placed them on the cutting board.

He held the knife tight and started slicing the lettuce. When he finished them he slided them to the side of the board and got the cucumbers. While helping his mother cook, he loved to pretend like he was a chef. He started slicing the cucumbers really fast and thin. He was also humming a song he couldn’t remember the name of at the same time. Then he switched to cutting them with the melody of the song he got stuck in his mind. He got distracted by the song and sliced two of his fingers instead of the cucumber.

“Oh shit!” Luke said, “Language!” Emily warned him. She turned to look at her son and saw him bleeding onto the cutting board, painting the wood and the cucumbers red. 

Emily reached for paper towels. She held Luke’s hand and tried to stop the bleeding with the paper towel. She shook her head, unapproving the incident. 

“Oh baby, I told you to be careful!” Emily exclaimed, “I’m sorry.” Luke said. She wasn’t angry but she hated when Luke was careless and didn’t listen to her.

“Only if you listened.” his mother mumbled. “Huh?” Luke asked, he couldn’t hear what she said. “You never listen to anyone!” her words came out a little too loud. 

“Stuff like this won’t happen if you just listened!” she said, she wasn’t angry but she sounded like she was. Luke stopped, took his hand back. He pushed the now covered with blood paper towel on his fingers himself. 

“You’re right.” he swallowed after speaking. “If I listened to Alex, neither he nor Reggie would be dead.” Emily’s jaw dropped. 

“I should’ve listened when he said they tasted weird.” Luke took a deep breath, “He was right!” he raised his voice. 

Mitch came into the kitchen running, he panicked when he saw Luke’s hand bleeding. “Son are you okay?” he asked. Luke just nodded, “It’s just the bad things happening because I don’t listen to what anyone says.” Mitch saw the pain behind his eyes. 

“They would be alive if I just listened to Alex.” he sat down on the ground. He pulled his knees to his chest. The paper towel was completely covered in blood and wasn’t soaking anymore. His blood dripped on the floor and his sweatpants. 

Emily and Mitch were just staring at him. They were frozen, they had no words, they didn’t know what to do or say. Emily noticed the blood dripping and reached for more paper towels. She rushed to join Luke on the ground. She took the other paper towel off her son’s hand and left it on the ground to clean up later. 

“Mitch, grab the first aid kit.” she told her husband, he left the kitchen in a hurry. “Darling look at me, it’s okay.” Emily softly said to Luke, he couldn’t look at his mother. 

“You were right, I don’t listen to anyone.” Luke said slowly without looking up to Emily. “Only if I listened and they would be right here with me.” he said, pain was easily heard in his tone. Emily was left speechless.

His dad came back with the kit soon. He bandaged Luke’s fingers and helped him get up from the ground. Emily cleaned up the kitchen. Luke went up to his room until dinner. He needed some alone time to cry his eyes out. He believed it could be changed. He genuinely believed it would be different if he took Alex’s words seriously and listened to him. He couldn’t stop his mind from telling him those. He laid back on his bed for the longest time before he was called down for dinner. 

————————

Luke went back to school the next month. He had dropped out to be in the band full time but now there was no band. He went back to school after intense pressures from his parents. They thought it would be good for him, to help him to move on. Luke knew inside that it would hurt him more. 

Reggie still went to school prior to his death. His parents were strict and his dad was really abusive. It was either going to school or getting beat up by his father. Alex dropped out after he came out. He still lived at home but never talked to his parents, they didn’t care either. 

Luke entered the school building an hour late. He kept his head down, not making eye contact with anyone. He knew everyone in the school, it hadn’t been long since he dropped out. He was popular before, adored and admired by everyone. He was the lead singer of a band, destined to be a legend. It was all behind him now, he would never be that guy. It was the first time he felt like an outsider as he walked down the school corridor. He felt everyone’s eyes on him. He heard people closing their lockers to look at him. 

He stopped by at the principal’s office, got his class schedule and also got yelled at for being late. His first class was English. He loved English and he loved his teacher too, he wasn’t sure if they still had the same teacher. Luke didn’t have the courage to keep his head up and face everyone. Everyone in the school knew what happened. They probably even laughed at the way the most important people in his life died. 

“Hey Luke!” he heard his name on his way to his class. He couldn’t resist looking up, he knew it was Bobby calling his name.

“Dude! I missed you!” Bobby said, covering up the same pain Luke has. The difference was that Luke couldn’t do the same. He was so good at hiding emotions and hated them being seen but even since Alex and Reggie’s death, he didn’t have to power to do that anymore. 

“Missed you too.” Luke said softly, they hugged. They never hugged. Luke hated hugging. He wished all of them hugged each other more. 

“How are you feeling?” Luke asked Bobby. He couldn’t let Bobby ask him the same question. Luke wouldn’t be able to answer it without overreacting. Bobby softly smiled.

“I’m good I guess.” he was about to continue speaking but Luke knew what his next words would be. “Cool!” Luke said, trying not to sound so sad, “I have to get to class!” he continued. Bobby stepped aside to give him way.

“See you.” Luke said smiling, Bobby nodded. “See you!” he replied. Luke turned the corner to go to class, running away from Bobby as well as what could come if he spoke to him more. 

Going to class didn’t make it better. It made everything worse. The moment he stepped into the room, the whispers started. His classmates started coming up to them and giving their condolences. Luke kept accepting them verbally but then it got too overwhelming. He stopped saying anything, he just nodded. 

He sat at the back corner, it was the only empty seat. A girl he hadn’t seen before was sitting next to him. Luke assumed she had started school after he dropped out. He put his head on the desk but he was forced to put it back up when the teacher came in. 

Luckily the teacher was the same. Luke was glad to see her. Without asking Luke to introduce himself, she introduced him only by name and started the class as fast as she could. Luke was grateful for that. He was sure that he wouldn’t have managed to say anything. 

“I’m sorry about your friends.” the girl sitting next to him whispered. Luke turned to her, just nodded and turned his head back forward. “It’ll probably come off as rude but I think it’s very funny the way they died.” Luke’s eyes opened. He turned back to the girl.

“I think so too!” Luke chuckled nervously. He was surprised that someone had the guts to say that to his face. “Really?” the girl asked, Luke nodded. “What’s funnier is that if I died too, it would be the same way.” he laughed quietly. The girl was horrified. 

“We’re stupid enough to get hotdogs from the back of a car.” Luke chuckled again. The girl couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “We kept eating those hotdogs even though they tasted weird.” Luke smiled at the girl who was looking at him like he was crazy.

“I’m only alive by chance!” he said a little louder but still not loud enough to be heard by anyone else. “I don’t think they died because they were stupid.” the girl said. She was genuinely sad now, she wanted to annoy Luke at first, make fun of him in a way but his response made her feel bad. She was also a bit scared by his answer. 

“Yeah they did! They wouldn’t be dead if they had a little more sense.” Luke sounded more frustrated this time. The girl was getting concerned. “I’m the same actually but I believe I now have a little more sense.” Luke tried to stay calm.

“It's no one’s fault.” he said softly, holding his tears and desire to scream from the top of his lungs. “We were just three stupid teenagers who didn’t know how to take care of themselves.” he took a deep breath. 

The girl was so scared and concerned for Luke. She raised her hand. The teacher spotted her, “Luke isn’t feeling well Miss.” she said. Luke looked at her first and then the teacher.

“Would you like to go out for a second?” the teacher asked Luke, he nodded as he clenched his jaw. He left the class without saying anything.

He was getting short of breath again. He couldn’t believe he said all those and actually believed in them. He was so angry at them and at himself and at what happened. He went to the restroom, taking slow steps. He looked at himself in the mirror. He looked furious. He tried to take deep breaths. 

“We shouldn’t have been that stupid!” he shouted. He was all alone in the restroom and it felt like a safe place to break down.

“I have the right to be angry!” he said to himself. “She probably thinks I’m crazy.” he blinked and let the tears fall down.

He opened the tap, the water started running. He washed his face off from the tears. His face was all red, his eyes looked like he was about to kill someone. He was so angry and it was visible. 

“Why did we even eat there?” he shouted, “More than once!” he shouted even louder. “We really were stupid!” he shouted again. Then his words stopped. 

He opened the tap to the fullest and started screaming. He just screamed as loud as he could. He screamed until he was out of breath. He was so loud that he knew he could be heard but he didn’t care. He needed to scream and show how angry he was, so he did exactly that. 

————————

It had been a few weeks since Luke started school again. He has learned to mask whatever he was feeling and started socialising a bit. That girl from English was still a bit scared of him but it was all cool. He had lunch with Bobby. He spent the breaks at the football field. He started paying attention to his classes again. Luke thought he was finally getting over them and adapting to a life without them. 

“Are we hanging out later?” Bobby stopped Luke in the hallway before their last class of the day. Luke nodded, “Sure!” he said. “I’ll wait for you at your locker.” Bobby said and they both made their way to their classes.

They met up as promised and went to that coffee shop they all used to go to after school. Going without Alex and Reggie felt extremely weird. They sat down at a table. Bobby ordered coffee as usual and Luke went with green tea. The conversation started with their upcoming exams. 

“Alex used to help me with History.” Luke said, Bobby’s heart ached to hear that. “I have no idea how to study for History without help.” Bobby couldn’t find anything to say.

“I can help you.” Bobby said, he knew it wasn’t the same but he hoped it would give Luke some comfort. “I have no idea what to do without them.” Luke confessed. Bobby had no words for him.

“I can’t do anything without them! I can’t even write songs or play guitar!” Luke continued. “I’m still here.” Bobby said but regretted it instantly. 

He knew he wasn’t the same. He knew Luke, Alex and Reggie were a team. Bobby was just an extra, it didn’t bother him but now he hated that Luke ignored everyone’s company because of their absence. 

“Man, I know I’m not the same, sorry.” Luke appreciated the understanding. “It’s okay.” he softly said, “My whole life was built on our friendship.” Bobby was one of the few people who witnessed that. 

“It’s really hard to admit but I feel like I won’t be able to love anyone again.” Luke said and that was so confusing for Bobby to hear. 

“What?” Luke got really nervous. “I loved Reggie and he died before I could tell him.” Luke confessed, it was hard to say it out loud. 

“And Alex was my first love, we were definitely better as friends and our relationship didn’t last long.” Luke took a deep breath. “I love Reggie so much and I realised he’s the one I want to kiss, hold hands with, cuddle and he’s the one I write songs for.” he said and started crying.

“I can’t believe how much I cry!” he exclaimed with a soft smile, Bobby giggled. “You can cry, it’s okay!” he assured Luke that it wasn’t a bad thing. “I wish I could cry.” Bobby said, Luke chuckled 

Luke never really felt close to Bobby but their friendship was developing. Maybe what made it happen wasn’t good at all but Luke was glad to have Bobby at that moment. It was so special for Luke that Bobby knew Alex and Reggie as he did. He was the closest witness to what they had. He was a part of the band too and that alone meant a lot.

“The worst part is I can’t even write anything!” Luke said softly. It was painful to talk about all that but he wasn’t angry anymore. All he felt was sorrow. 

“We can try to play together again if it will help, I haven’t been able to get myself to play after that night.” Bobby opened up. He had trouble expressing his feelings, it was something new for him.

“That might help.” Luke said, “We can also be study partners, we both need to study.” he continued. “Yes definitely, I don’t wanna fail half of my classes again.” Luke chuckled. 

“You know, I never thought I would see you show emotion.” Bobby said. “Same goes for you buddy.” both laughed. They agreed to pause that part of their conversation for a bit. They started talking about how the student who did the announcements cursed that day while still being on air. They went back to masking their emotions, which felt more comfortable for the moment.

————————

One day after school, Luke went to the garage for the first time since his bandmates’ deaths. He stepped inside and sat on the couch. He didn’t do anything, he just stared at the walls, the ceiling and the instruments they had left behind. He didn’t have the courage to get back there until then. It felt good to be there. He thought he would get sad and probably go mad over the thought of them being gone. Unlike his predictions, he did neither. He could only remember the wonderful times they had there. He could see Reggie making impressions of cartoon characters. He could see Alex pacing around while talking enthusiastically about a new song he heard. 

He saw his notebook on top of one of the amps. He got up from the couch. He approached the amp, he struggles to get his hands on the notebook. He was genuinely scared to read all the songs he wrote. He finally got himself together and grabbed the notebook. As he was turning back the couch, a piece of paper dropped out of the notebook. He bent down and grabbed it.

“For Luke” was written on the top with a pencil. The writing was smeared. Luke recognized the handwriting, it was Reggie’s. He smiled and sat on the couch again. They weren’t lyrics like Luke expected them to be. It was a letter. It was a letter Reggie wrote for Luke. 

“Howdy!” Luke read and laughed. The word was written with a pen and was crossed over but it could still be read. “Hello.” he continued reading. None of the following words were crossed over. 

“I hope you’re alone when you read this, what I mean is I hope Alex won’t be around.” Luke read out loud. “You might ask why, if you continue reading I promise you’ll understand why.” Luke smiled, he could hear Reggie say that.

“I’m not good with being serious and I didn’t know how to say this but there it goes.” reading it out loud was more comforting. He was reading it the way Reggie would say it out loud. 

“I like you, okay? I really like you. The tricky part is I don’t want it to change anything between us.” he smiled, “He liked me back.” he said to himself. “I know you probably don’t feel the same.” Luke’s smile faded. “Reggie died thinking I didn’t like him back.” he said softly, he felt like it would hurt him if he continued reading so he left it on the table.

He got on his feet, looked around for a pen or a pencil. He was going to write. He didn’t know what, it could be a letter, a poem, lyrics. He just thought he needed to write. He knew he was ready to turn what he feels into words properly. He sat on the chair, pulled the small coffee table to himself. Put the notebook on the table. The last time he wrote anything on the table was when he wrote a song for his mother. He didn’t have any unsaid words to Emily anymore but he had to Reggie and Alex.

“Dear Alex and Reggie.” the pen moved on the thin paper. “I miss you so much.” he said everything he wrote out loud. 

“It’s hard without you. Everything is hard without you. I can’t even listen to any music because it reminds me of you or play anything or write anything. I never thought this would be the way we would be parted. I always thought it would be a band related fight or something. It hurts so much. What we three had was so special and I don’t think I’ll ever have anything as we had with someone else. You are my family. It doesn’t matter if you’re gone, you are still all I have. I keep remembering Reggie’s silly jokes, Alex’s complains about how messy we are. I keep remembering how we always supported each other no matter what. I’m so sorry I couldn’t say goodbye. I can’t get myself to face your parents or visit your graves. I might do it later if I ever am ready for that. It all still feels like a dream, a nightmare actually. At least I got used to it a bit. Even if I get used to your absence completely, I can never forget you. You two are the most important people in my life, you still are. I hope you are happy wherever you are. I hope you are at peace. I wish I could tell Reggie I liked him back, screw it, I love you Reggie and never stop loving you. Thank you both, for being my best friends. I love you both so much.” 

Luke wiped his tears. Part of the paper was wet from the tears falling down his face. He felt at ease. He had no unsaid words left. He knew he would never get to say it to their face, they were dead but this was a good way to Luke say it all. He hoped they could hear, he hoped they were watching over him and he hoped they were proud of him. 

He started laughing. He was still crying. He was still hurting so much but at least he had got everything he had on his chest out. He could now only remember the good things. He had accepted the fact that they were gone and they would never be back. He still wasn’t completely okay but he felt better. He knew he would be better. He was ready to be better.


End file.
